"Happy Chinese New Year!" (Part 2--The Fantasy Elements of Predictions)

(continued from Part 1...a bit long, this part)

"I bought hopia for Chinese New Year," Vin said.

"I'm not sure, but I think hopia is to celebrate the end of ghost-month, and not for Chinese New Year."

"But it's round. I also have grapes. And oranges."

"The grapes and oranges are fine, but don't blame me if ghosts haunt you the rest of the year because of the hopia." I was making this up, of course. I wouldn't know if this was the case or not.

"That would be something," Vin said. "Are you going to do any feng shui consultations for the Year of the Rat?"

"Hmm? Oh, no. Not really. I have relatives and friends who do, but I personally don't do much of that," I answered.

"No?"

"No, neither Eastern nor Western astrology interests me much. Don't know much about it. I can name the twelve animals of the Chinese zodiac, but not in order, and I don't think I can do the same for the signs of the Western zodiac. Heck, I can name the seven dwarves from Disney's Snow White better than I can name Jesus' twelve apostles. Who were they again? Doc, Dopey, Bashful, Happy, Grumpy,...hehe...Grumpy, I've always liked him. Argh. I can't remember. Who were those other two dwarves?"

"Aww. I was hoping to hear some forecasts."

"Oh? Wait. Let me check my emails. I think one of my friends sent me the forecasts for each animal this year."

"Yay! I'm the year of the pig. Read it out to me. No, wait, start with the Ox. I'm asking for a couple of friends."

"Hmm...okay. Hold on. Ox...hmm, the bull...hey! Good news! It says, 'you have a premium ticket throughout this year. For males especially. Female oxes'--aren't they called cows? Oops. That doesn't sound nice, no wonder they wrote 'female oxes'; and it should be 'oxen'--'would do well to get assistance and support from the males. Oxes are supposed to do well in career and wealth this year.' Hmm...wait, let me skim...oh no...despite all this, "you will feel a strong sense of insecurity and emptiness within. Your moodiness will affect your emotions and lead to depression, leading you to activities that will take you further from the truth. Be careful of overspending. For those who are married or attached, it will be a rocky year. The relationship is sure to grow weak and brittle this year. Gossip is a danger. For those who are single, the chances of finding the love of your life is slim because of your moodiness, insecurity, and immaturity."

"Oh no!" Vin said. "Paano na si A_____? Paano na si N____? They'll be moody and depressed! And they will have brittle relationships!"

"But they'll be rich. They shouldn't complain. If they do, they're ingrates. Tell them that if they give me their money, their depression will lift. It will do wonders for my own depression too."

"What should they do?"

"It says here they should place a Citrine or Agate in the room or office to control emotions. Place a Vanadinite too to curb overspending. I guess they're stones or minerals of some kind. Since they recommended Vanadinite, whatever that is, will they recommend Kryptonite also? Hindi naman tiga-Krypton si A_____ o si N____, diba?"

"What about me? What about me? Pig! Pig!"

"Hmm..Pig...let me look for it...hehehe...'baboy'..."

"I hope it's not bad like the Ox."

"Here it is. Pig. Oh oh. "This year is not going to be easy for you."

"Huh? That can't be!"

"'People will be nasty to you this year. Your health is of prime concern also. You will be prone to illness. You will also be very accident-prone. Be very careful. And most of all, you must conserve your energy.' So no shagging for you this year!"

"Noooooo..."

"To continue: 'Though you may have outstanding performances in your career this year, there will be many power struggles and unhealthy competitions. There is not many who will help you.' Hmm...'is' should be 'are', I think."

"Get on with it!"

"Right. Sorry. 'Don't let others push you into a corner. You must put down your foot where necessary. Use your diplomatic and political skills. Move slow and steady.' 'Put down your foot' would sound better as 'Put your foot down'".

"What does all that mean?"

"I don't know. I'm just reading it. I guess it means you have rivals and backstabbers somewhere in your future."

"Grrr...curse them! Curse them all to heck! What else?"

"'Money matters could be tight this year. Make no investments.'"

"What? No money again this year?"

"You can borrow from A_____ and N____. They'll be depressed. Easily persuadable to part with their cash. Ah...some good news! 'If you are in a relationship, you will have a loving year.'"

"But I'm not in a relationship!"

"Oh well, too bad. But it does say that if you are single 'you will have a good chance of finding the love of your life this year.'"

"I'll find true love!"

"Geez. What a load of hoo-hah this all is."

"Stop that. I finally get some good news and you dismiss it."

"Sorry."

"What should I do?"

"Place a Metal Pagoda in your wealth position. Carry a Jade Pixiu. Place a Scepter near you.'"

"What's my wealth position?"

"I don't know. Your wallet? You'll look funny with a lumpy metal pagoda in the back pocket of your jeans."

"And what's a Pixiu?"

"I don't know."

"How can you not know?"

"Wait. Let me ask."

"Who will you ask? Is your Mom or Grandmother there?"

"No. I'll just google it."

"Aysus."

"There you go! A Jade Pixiu! Nice!"

"So what is it?"

"It's a magical beast in ancient Chinese mythology with a dragon's head, a horse's body, a qilin's feet and the overall shape of a lion. I guess it's meant to protect you from all this ill fortune. Sort of like the fu-dogs, except your Pixiu is portable and meant to be carried around."

"Where can I get a Jade Pixiu?"

"Are you serious?"

"Yes! Where can I get one?"

"There are a lot of stores in Binondo that sell stuff like this. Metal Pagodas and Vanadamites included."

"When are you going there? Can you buy me one?"

"I can, but I don't go there that often. Maybe near the end of the month. But I have friends who live there. I guess I could text them. Wait...are you really serious?"

"Yes! I don't want to be sick! I don't want to be poor! I want to find true love!"

"If you're in a rush, there's a feng shui store in V-mall in San Juan. Second floor, I think. Follow the smell of incense."

"Really? There's a feng shui store there? Okay, maybe I'll go. Wait, I want to ask for one more friend, D___. He's a Monkey."

"Okay. 'D___ is a Monkey.' Hehehe. 'D___ is a Monkey.'"

"I think the Jade Pixiu is cool. Anybody who messes with me messes with my Jade Pixiu!"

"'Monkey: this year is good for concentration and learning. You can pick up new skills and get involved in strategic planning.' Sounds like a business course instead of a forecast to me. Ah, here's where it gets interesting. 'This year, many people will speak ill of you, will point fingers at you, and will backstab you at every opportunity! Office and family politics will be extremely severe!' Mmm...bloody...like crime! 'Do not gossip, and do not be the source of gossip. What goes around comes around.'

"What about wealth? Can I borrow from him?"

"'Wealth for the monkey is average this year. Be careful with investment, and do not be greedy."

"Shoot. Can't borrow from him. I'll focus on A_____ and N____. What else?"

"'Do not bring gossip home or it will disrupt the harmonious atmosphere of the family. Also, health is not good. You will have insomnia, headaches, flu, and colds non-stop throughout the year. You will also be prone to many accidents this year. Watch your step! But the worst thing this year is that many people will hate you and try to get you into big trouble. They want nothing but bad things for you this year, and will do their best to keep you down. Keep your comments to yourself and your emotions in check.'"

"Okay, what must he do?"

"'Put a Paua Shell and Lepidolite near you.' Probably more of those minerals/stone thingies. Hey! They also recommend Monkeys to carry Jade Pixiu's with them!"

"What? I thought I was the only one with a cool Jade Pixiu! Never mind. My Pixiu is better than his Pixiu!"

"I have to tell you, my old classmate, his father knows all the feng shui there is to know. People actually come to his father to consult him about it, and even offer him money. When my classmate was old enough, he went to his father and asked to be taught. His father said, "Son, this is all a lot of b___s__t. Really. Kalokohan lang 'to. Put your mind to better use."

"Really?"

"Yes. And the irony of it is that my classmate knows all that 'kalokohan' paid for his lunch money, and more, when he was studying."

"And you? Have you ever believed this stuff?"

"Not much. But I admit back in the 90's, I suffered about three car accidents in the span of two months. I talked to a relative, who said that I should keep a small Golden Pagoda anywhere in my car to protect against accidents. Despite my skepticism, I did, and I didn't experience anymore accidents with that car."

"There! You see! It works! Get me a Jade Pixiu! True love! True love!"

"Be careful what you wish for. Your true love might end up looking like a Pixiu."

"What's your animal?"

"I'm an Earth Rooster."

"And what's your forecast?"

"Whoah! Look at the time. Gotta' go. Back to work, you know."

"Aynako..."

"Talk to you again. I'll let you know what I can do about your Jade Pixiu. Bye."